Had the truths spammed right in front of my eyes, there's nothing to not believe, nothing to "misunderstand".
I disgusted myself.
Last week was a terrible week. Honestly couldn't eat (though later on I think it's because my period was coming too haha) and I can't bring myself to eat my favorite $1.70 hotdog bun with nacho cheese & mayonnaise because... The "hotdog" looks too much like a penis.
.....
I'm going to conclude that I had a very terrible virgin porn experience. Was it even porn....... Okay, first erm... Bad experience of discovering the biological parts of the opposite sex and a terrible, terrible 'eye-opener' to the dark side of human (or men) and their strange sexual urges. But I honestly believe it's just one or two in a few many men who is troubled or engulfed (haha engulfed) in such sexual pleasures. Or one. So yeah.
So they really do it. I thought I only read them in books or the Internet.
Ewwwwwwwwwww
I mean, it was so bad I really thought i needed to see Lionel. I didn't "thought", but I felt like I needed to. He's the expert anyway. And an adult. But im better now thanks to a lot of friends (': so yeah, I'm cool about it......to some extent. But enough extent to just "roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, let out a sigh, say an "argh don't talk about it", and we move on." (:
Okay.
Once in a while I'll still get the unbearable sadness... which sucks a lot cos I'll cry hahaha. Though they say it's alright to cry. But enough lah. It's damn tiring to cry haha. But it's just really sad when you think about how you used to be promised that "I'll never let you cry! Except for happy things :D" and all that words. I guess it's really a lesson I gotta learn. It's actually hard to fall back into love again, though I'm also patiently waiting for the right guy. Hmm. Sometimes you'll get the feeling that you'll never know how to open up your heart and let love take over you again, because you've done that, hoping he'll do the same to you, to love you as much as you loved or even more, but in the end, he turned away and went to love another woman. Very blatantly did that. So yeah....the feeling sucks because well honestly, it feels like your love for someone will never be enough to keep them with you, or not enough to make them love you back?? what am i saying.
BUT THEN WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?????
And it also sucks when you get the feeling of, "I miss (doing something with him)" that kinda stuff. It's like, then I'd really wish I had never experienced them so I'll never need to miss them. Missing something, or someone, or some feeling, is the worst emotion ever.
It makes you very lonely, haha.
-
Created a new playlist and it's on repeat. 'Iridescent' is the only song in it. Haha. Let it go yeah, let it go. There're really so much more in life to smile about and to care about. Angry that he cheated? Angry that he and she lied? Angry that I got fooled? Angry that they're so happy together?NATURAL. Remember all the sadness, frustration, anger, jealousy, every other emotion that accompanied during this time, and just... Let them all go.
Haha.
I guess I really have to. If not... WHAT THE HELL WHY AM I WALLOWING IN SELF PITY. noooooo, "don't feel sorry for yourself, only assholes do." In the end, all these doesn't matter at all. People take the same things differently from you, that's their problem. I'm taking this my way and I will be happier in my own way (:
HAHA ok it's getting awkward, I'm like preaching to myself.
But I guess it makes sense. I have to make sense to myself.
But deep down in a secret evil corner of my heart, I wish them... No good. HAHA okay my mum said whatever I want to say or do, don't curse them. OKAYYYYY. "No good" is very polite already haha. But yeah, I shouldn't care at all (:
On happier things,
• I tied my hair today! Hahahahaha it feels and looks fine. I can't wait for the pony tail to be a decent one hahaha
• Seeing H boy (I can't spell out the H word cos idk who's gonna read and I'm actually really shy HAHA and if I spell it out it's gonna be obvious like DAMN OBVIOUS so let's just use initials) makes my heart skip some beats HAHAHA. it's a happy feeling, aww. ^_^
• whatsapp nonsense :p
• I love my friends. (': (hehe, it's heartwarming when you get likes on your FB posts and you know your friends liked it because they know what's up)
• I finished Norwegian Wood! ): + (: so yay, can watch the movie sometime soon.
• "Burn the causeway" HAHA. Even better if sg bans all entry from msia - land, sea and air.
• I AM ONLY EIGHTEEN~~~~~~~
• I think I'm going to be happier each day (:
:D
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