7 years later,

My maternal grandmother passed away on Sunday morning.

7 years ago, I was Primary 5. I remember my eldest sister walking me home from PL. She said, “阿公走了。” (Ah Gong passed away.)

“哪一个阿公？” (which Ah Gong?)

Haha, dumbass. My paternal grandfather passed away in his hometown, Fuzhou, China, when I was eh, primary 2. Obviously I'm only left with one. I guess I blurted that because it hadn't really struck me that the ever healthy, white-hairless grandfather would be gone so quick. I cried a lot during one of the first few processions, I don't exactly know why. Thinking back, the sadness I felt 7 years ago was less immense, though it was much more unexpected. This time I cried less, and I feel more comfort than grief.

I have grown up and matured, I had 7 more years with my grandmother than with my grandfather. We've seen her suffer while she could still walk and talk; while she was bedridden in the hospital; while she laid in the resting chair in her room and watched some tele; while she laid in bed and strained to speak a few words and once could not remember who I was, who my dad was; while she laid in bed only to open her eyes for that short while and going back to sleep again; while she finally laid still in bed, her pulse gone and fingers purple. She always wanted to leave, because the pain was too much for her to bear. Whether it was an act of filial or the cause of selfish love, we kept pulling her back. Have we let go of her, or had she quietly pulled our hands away? There is comfort, because she has found her way to grandfather, and in the Chinese heaven “极乐世界”, I believe there is no pain. I hope she won't be as skinny as she was.

I wished I have went in, even if it was only a minute, I wished I have went in to see her while she was still breathing, even if it was slow and weak, I wished I have went in to see her just 2 days before she left. But I only stood outside the door as I asked my cousin to pass me the key to my aunt's house.

Remorse is the worst feeling ever. And it also makes you the worst person ever.
She wouldn't have blamed me, I know she would have said, “免啦” (no need, in Hokkien). Haha, but I blame myself. It's hard not to.

It's Day 4 of the funeral. I can't imagine how Friday night and Saturday morning would be like. We've been through the same processions 7 years ago, now 7 years later, they are the same processions, same relatives, but I know it would be a different, different kind of emotion that I.... haven't figured out how to spell it. I thought about it again, about when it is time for my paternal grandmother to leave. That..... The emotion I will have, I don't think it will ever exist anywhere in the dictionary. I only hope I won't collapse.

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It has been a tough, tough 88 years for her.